being awake at 4 am is my new jam

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It’s not really, but lately I have been waking up at 4 am or shortly afterwards out of a deep sleep. Sometimes I cannot fall back asleep, which is annoying. I started tracking my sleep patterns last month. I was curious about the way I sleep. I can’t ask anyone – my two fur nerds are not very helpful in telling me. I think, in some cases, it is because of them that I wake up. If they jump on the bed, for example, and by jump I mean take a flying leap from the doorway to get across the bed to look out the window down at the front yard. Or they start grooming/ wrestling beside me. That wakes me up. Some nights I wake up for ‘no reason’, probably from a dream. Sometimes I remember the dreams, sometimes I don’t. I have had a recurring one this week. I dream that my right eye starts bleeding. Not from a cut or an accident, but just starts bleeding from inside the eye socket. Not pleasant. I could look up what the standard dream symbol meaning is for that. I have not dreamed of bleeding from the eyes before, but could be a common symbol. I don’t know. I don’t really want to know. I would just like to stop dreaming about it.

There is something beautiful about waking up early in the morning. I will admit, I have become more of a night person lately after the kids moved out. I sleep in whenever I can. I used to be up around that time every night when the kids were little. Feeding time always seemed to happen around then. The house is so still, as is everything outside. It is peaceful. Calm before the busy-ness of the day takes over. I think waking up this week is directly tied to my stress level. Different incidents from each day that have created enough anxiety in me to get my brain going into overdrive. This morning’s early rise is probably due to getting the letter from the hospital yesterday. I wasn’t expecting to go back until late February. Now there is an urgency around the holidays again. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to deal with it. Of course, I can’t run or ignore, that will lead to bigger problems if I do. I just want that peaceful time, that stillness, at least until the new year. I don’t think that is going to happen. So, back I will go and spend a couple of hours in Radiology lying face down, boobs out for the MRI. That is about as unglamorous as you can get having that procedure. I should probably not generalize. That is about as unglamorous as I have experienced so far. That’s a little bit more fair.

So, I will suck it up and get it done.

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