pause

 

I am sitting in my living room at the moment, taking a small break from working in a gift order for a friend. Jazz is playing on the radio. Thorin (the cat) is stretched across the back of the sofa, gently snoring. The world is paused. I wasn’t planning to write anything today. I didn’t actually plan to do anything today other than finish the costume I was asked to make for Andie for their performance on Tuesday. I had hoped to get it done earlier, but for the past couple of days at work I was helping to paint our homeless shelter for families. After sixteen hours of doing squats while painting, I understandably am moving slowly today. It is good to have a pause, and once I delivered the costume I did just that.

I feel guilty sometimes doing nothing. It is strange to write it down and ‘out loud’ but it is true. I know I don’t have to always be doing something, and after years of meditation practice, I can certainly spend time being still, but more often than not, I am doing something and not nothing at all. I know in part why I feel that – how I was raised, but you would think as an adult I might have the ability to give myself permission to do nothing once in awhile. Nope.

Oh well. I am writing now and may go back to work on the order later, or not. Still no word on the appointment at the hospital. When I think about going back, I am filled with a little dread. The other strong reason that I am always doing something these days, because if things go sideways, if I have to have more surgery or start treatments, there are things that I want to have done so that I can concentrate on other things (as if that is something I can actually control, but hey just let me try for now to get the list whittled down). I don’t have a contingency plan of course, I just would like to do what I can before I can’t. IF that becomes my reality. In the meantime, I will keep making things.

It is hard not to get sucked into the what if’s. I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole. I can’t.

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