ringing in the new year

It looks like I will be starting the new year with hospital again. Got the call yesterday afternoon just before I finished work for the day. I wasn’t expecting to feel much about it. I was expecting the call, and I knew it would be in the next two months, but after hanging up the phone, I felt a little overwhelmed. I still feel overwhelmed. Four weeks to wait, instead of two months, and at least a few hours with my head/ body stuck in the tube. I am grateful that I won’t be going in before Christmas – only because it would add stress for my kids (not to mention me) but I was kind of hoping for a little more time to get everything organized after the holidays.

oh well.

There is part of me that wants to treat this all as though nothing is wrong. It’s ‘just a follow up’ even though it isn’t. Push the fear away, focus on each day as it comes, and not get sucked into the vortex of fear and worry. In the end, what will it do to help me if I let that worry and concern take over? Not at all.

It is funny because a co-worker told me after we had finished a big meeting that she had been listening to me breathe, or rather she paid attention to the way I was breathing. No one has ever mentioned to me before – but I do breathe differently, especially if I am with a large group of people. A long time ago, I started practicing rhythmic breathing – actually back in the days when I was singing as a kid in choirs, and playing wind instruments. Then when I was 19, I realized the way I was breathing to perform musically was very similar to the yogic breathing techniques that I was being taught as I learned asanas. Now I don’t think about it (unless I am teaching someone else or someone points it out). My co-worker’s observations were sweet, and now others in the office want to sit beside me in meetings so they can listen to the breathing, and practice too (hahaha) but it was a very good reminder for me to pay attention to my breathing still, especially now.

Really, whatever is going to happen will happen. I can only breathe through it all. Yes, I am afraid. I know I am and I won’t deny it. I am afraid of what could be found, of the worst case scenario, of what happens next, but that’s ok. I don’t end where the fear is, that is only the beginning.

la

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