This time of year takes a toll on me, even though I try very hard not to let it. It is not so much the anticipation of spending time with family ( that is my favorite part) or preparing the meal (I also love to do that) but the prospect of being alone for all or part of it that creates a fair amount of anxiety in me, and sadness. This was the year when my kids spent Christmas Eve and Day with their father. We alternate each year, and although the kids are older now, their choices can be more fluid, the bulk of the day I was on my own. For the first time ever I went to the movies on Christmas Day with a friend. It is a tradition for someone families, I realize, but completely new for me. Not sure how I felt about it – it felt strange to be there, but at the same time, watching the movie was an excellent way to break up the day. It (the movie) ate up a nice chunk and by the time I got home again I did not have long to wait for the kids to be home with me.
That anxiety from Christmas, coupled with the worry I have for the new year and probably the full moon mixed in has had a disturbing side effect. The intense dreams/ nightmares are back again. In the past four days or so I have had multiple dreams – disturbing, troubling, strange, however to describe them – about a variety of situations (not necessarily related to my upcoming hospital visit). I am a dreamer and when I find myself in this kind of intense dream period, I long for the days when my dreams are quiet. I wake up each time feeling exhausted and unsettled. I used to try to understand the meanings and symbols but it is not possible most of the time to understand why my brain has offered up what it has. Sometimes I just write the dream down and turn them into short stories, because what else could I do with them?
The pragmatist does that. The other side of me is a little freaked out by what happens in those dreams, and in the back of my head I hope that maybe I can find some information on how to help myself whatever the situation that might come while I am awake.
But in the end, whether I am writing it down as a story or finding spiritual inspiration – I am scared and worried about what news will come after the next eleven days.