lei fraser

Day 24

II

fever crept in
while I sat at my desk
the not so subtle reminder
my body will fail me
in spite of my will
to avoid
finish out the day
it is all I can do
still feeling guilty
for not being able
to work longer
I slept in the chair
when I arrived home
food a dare I could not face
I forgot to turn on
the lights before closing my eyes
the sun has set
without me knowing
plunging the room
into darkness
the fever brings unwelcome friends
the body rebels
and succumbs
I move in so few places
I know where I found it first
not that it matters
sickness is isolating
like the weather
it will pass
I will be lighter for it
in the meantime
I let go
hoping for the morning
to be gentle
and kind
~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 23

I

coming home
we did not meet here
at the corner
waiting for the light
to turn
caught up in the rush
to return home
after a long work day
bumper to bumper
the bus pulls
to the curb
one empty seat
becomes home
for twenty minutes
horn blares
the driver yells
not seeing the flashing lights
in front
the hurry to beat the bus
blinded him
it’s how people die
in this city
because someone can’t see
they are sitting in the same boat
watching the struggle
to bail out the water
filling the end with the holes
I pull the cord for my stop
finish the hour
by making tea
and listening
to day stories told
to me by offspring
then at long last
I will lay in the darkness
and listen
to the night breathe
~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 22

Four days of silence
Was not enough
To heal
Me

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 21

deep rest
found me
alone after
the room emptied
taking heart pieces

deep rest
found me
alone after
being told
I could not mourn
or remember
like turning off
the tap

deep rest
found me
alone
not pretty enough
not slim enough
not nice enough
not smart enough
never enough

deep rest
found me
alone
in the folds
of being
turned me
kept me
stayed
like a familiar
my spirit is tired
from walking
my soul’s estate
feet cut, bleeding
torn by bramble
and rose thorn
seeking shade
from the mid-day sun
worn down like stone
in the river’s path

deep rest
found me
let my tears flow
let my heart mend
let my body heal
let my soul be
renewed
until I can breathe
again
until I can be
again

~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 20

I wake up
to raindrops
on my eyelids
birdsong
floats on
morning air
rivers fill
to overflowing
trees breathe
into blossoms
I wait and
listen
~

#napowrimo2019

#poetry

Day 19

eight spoons
measure my day
at one time I had more
ten or eleven
twenty when I was younger
but today eight spoons
sit in my coffee mug
sometimes filled with sugar
whatever sweetness
I need to curb the harsh bitter now
when the world becomes
too much
after months
and months
of pushing through
in spite of everything else
in spite knowing it doesn’t
matter or make the difference
I want it to
One day
I will wake up
one day
and there will be
no spoons left
~
#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 18

I sit in the pause
between this breath
and the next
untethered
in the darkness
floating
in the light
drowning
in the deep
words stick
like chewed glass
in my throat
I am lost
in this
just being
here
in the silence
~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 17

I write to you in deep night
While rain falls
I wait for sleep to steal me
But I have been awake for years
I hear more clearly in darkness
Sitting with the sky
Listening

Later a storm will rattle the window
Thunder will shake the building
Before passing
Morning will come
dressed in last night’s dreams
I will remember them
Over coffee

I will write about
what I dont want to write about
Until it strangles me
Pulls me inside out
And leaves breathless
On the floor

I will write myself
Into life
As dawn spreads wings
And smiles to reveal
The azure sky

I will write to you in deep night
Words you may never read
But somehow
I hope you feel them
As I do
Like a walk through
My soul’s estate

~

#poetry
#napowrimo2019

Day 16

to set it right
on the balance
ice to the jaw
after the punch
hidden bruises
no voice left
in the shadows
I tried to use it
more than once
my voice
as quiet as it is
is loud
inside
you
fail
you
are not
enough
you
will
never
be
and yes
I have listened
for
years
and
years
almost fifty
in spite
of appearances
~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day 15

looking backwards
in the bathroom mirror
trying to see the part of me
I cannot see
a photograph blurred
three bulbs gone
leaving just enough
for hair brushing
and nothing more
night has wrapped itself
around the building
the last light of the sun
long gone
no one awake
that I can ask for help
no hand held mirror
to turn
in passing
I am not sure
what I am looking for
forgiveness perhaps
or understanding
or clarity
or the comfort of darkness
~
#napowrimo2019
#poetry

Day14

I am aware
of this journey of skin
its curves and rolls
in right places
in wrong
how other eyes defined
discouraged
filled cups of distain
to sustain me
through the years

I am aware
of this journey of skin
of not being enough
to satisfy
or qualify
love
how that bore
craters within me
that no amount of tears
could fill

I am aware
of this journey of skin
now a little less on one side
too much on other sides
the pain of recovery
wounds still fresh
unhealed in their age
scabs picked at
mindlessly
they may still take years
of kindness
to balance

I am aware
of this journey of skin
and the words I should hear
store in my heart
let grow from small, precious seeds
watered not with fear
not with sadness
not with hate
not with disgust
just love and care
if I let myself
just this once
~

#poetry
#napowrimo2019

Day 13

I didn’t ask you
for proof of life
no song no heartbeat
no smile no touch
nothing
I asked for nothing
and in that moment
you gave it to me
a cup of dust
the wind caught it
at the end
I held an empty cup
never to fill again

I didn’t ask you
for love
no thought no kindness
no kiss no flame
I asked for nothing
and in that moment
you gave it to me
a cup of dust
the wind caught it
at the end
I held an empty cup
never to fill again

I didn’t ask you
I didn’t know
I had to
I asked for nothing
and in that moment
asked for everything
a song
a heartbeat
a smile
a touch
a thought
a kindness
a kiss
a flame
because I loved you
just the same

~

#napowrimo2019
#poetry