lei fraser

laughing with shame
I bowed my head and wondered how
how to answer this question that hung in the air
begging to be heard
complicated knot waiting to be untied
and I think that I don’t have it
the answer found a mate and is hiding
covered in some darkened corner
while I sit open mouthed and dumb looking a fool
and not knowing how to say the right words
because now any word that rolls away
pulls a layer too
exposing raw skin
and I doubt myself shivering
in the glaring scrutiny
who is watching who
and what the hell am I still hiding for
then I remember I do have a voice
deep breath
and the answer comes
even if I am standing naked before you
~

your voice slips behind my ear
the way your fingers might trace
the hair line, down the neck
and curve gently across my shoulders to the other ear
to make sure that no words have escaped
unheard, misunderstood, ignored
don’t ask me to open my eyes
and witness the death of this moment again
just let me listen
let me feel this cool reassurance against my fevered skin
one more time
as your voice fades to memory
and I sit waiting
for the next moment
for the next breath
for the next word

~

eight cups of coffee measure the day
lined up on the table among the newspapers and magazine clippings
i sat endlessly flipping between sips
not sure what I was looking for
except to find maniacal comfort in the glossy pages and
frankenstein faces plastered there
and then the ripping –
pages torn out for a word, a look, a leaf, a colour
in precarious piles at my feet
i should find an envelope for them
a sleek, simple place to put this chaos
i should stop the coffee pot from boiling over
leaving garish brown stains across the stove again
i should drink more water
i should remember to eat
i should go for a walk
i should…
Wait – another crystalline sky reflected in a still lake
azure, emerald, diamond
know thy self,
be,
freedom
love
love
me

~

freedom rediscovered
like an unexpected embrace
the flash of a smile
reflected in a mirror
faith restored
this is what life is
a whisper came like this
with the morning wind
while the sun shone
the bamboo sung
in low tones
and i sat
only to listen

~

The storm on the sea was cliché
I want to reach out well beyond the safety
Of the boat I cower in
Dive through the waves
Down below them
Watch the crash that follows each peak
I want to let the last remnants
Fall from my shoulders
And dance freely among
The angels’ tears
Yet I am rooted by
The battered stubbornness that remains
Clutching frantically at threads
That keep me from being exposed
I am overcome with knowing, with fear
And only the tiny freedom
Painted within me
Is the pastoral vision of a pine
Resting by a fragrant meadow
in the shadow of a majestic mountain
if, if, ,if, only if plays with each crashing way
each crashing wave
it is well beyond what I want now
beyond waiting for the storm to calm
well beyond the next breath

~

that mirror
holds no answer
not for me
I can barely raise my eyes
High enough to meet my reflection’s gaze
So cold to my finger’s touch
While my own skin burns
With an unarticulated fever
Staring hard at my hands
I can ask what is this?
But that same question chokes me
Stops my heart mid-beat
When the emerald pools reach out
And drown me
What do you want?
I scream the question
Until its echo is faint
And a silence dresses it
So deep it is like a well in a desert
Where water is gold
And the search for it leads down
beyond what was once thought impossible
and the answer
like a whisper floating,
barely moving on undisturbed water
is freedom.
~

all I can do is sit and write,
let the words flow through me
it seems that they are empty and elusive
they don’t meet the measure
to what is within my heart
but i cannot deny this pull
to express in some way
however fleeting…
in the stillness I can feel you
when fear and doubt are laid to rest
I see myself in you
with your compassion and kindness
the well of love that is your soul
I want to reach out and hold you
to feel you standing there before me
I don’t want to know life without you
it would the sun be without a sky
or a bird without the wings to fly
without you there with me
I would be lost in the endless sea
sounds cliché I know…
but the truth is you are my anchor
while chaos reigns around me
you are the calm I need to remind me
that I am everything now I need to be
my love you are the mirror
I can see me in your eyes
I am free in your eyes
I am me in your eyes
I am me
there is a freedom with you
that I have never felt before
you accept me for who I am
not who you want me to be
when the love overwhelms me
and I feel I am running
you quietly take my hand
and remind me that I am already
where I am supposed to be
I want to be lost in this simplicity
I can feel my wings unfolding
and it feels to me that the letting go
is in the flowing
I can’t kid you
you mean everything to me
I realize that I have been fighting
I see it now.. like shadowboxing
and being knocked down
by my own reflection
my own illumination
and from this new perspective
flat on my back on the ground
I see the world differently
fear sprawled beside me
and doubt scrambling to help it stand again
instead I will stand,,
leave them to wrestle in the dust
while I
let the angel fly
~

trail of stars sprawled
across the sky tonight
they dance on my extended palm
their gentle light falls toward me
the distance removed
with the closing of my eyes

~

the distance
makes me ache
artificial separation
that slips in and cuts
like a razor
leaving me bleeding
on the floor of my own mind
i don’t reach out often enough
fear gets me and ties me down
i want to tell you to wake up
to tell you this life is opportunity
to love, to give, to heal
i want to hold you,
hear your dreams, your hopes, your fears
every day, the sun grows in the sky
i say to you ( though you do not hear me it seems)
i love you
not because you are my blood
not because you are my air
not because you are my everything
but because you are.

~

violets and forget-me-nots
sit in a careless collection
in the vase on the window sill
sunlight is fractured and scattered
as it falls through the water
stems, leaves, blossoms
cut out at awkard angles
shaped by the sloping glass sides of the vase
i wonder if i saw this
for the very first time
would i stop and question
if the flowers were so disjointed, incomplete
without the water to hold them or the glass?

~

I miss the sun today,
the clouds have moved in
and taken over
the horizon…
the piercing cold of the wind
is the slap I need in the face
to keep the door closed, locked
and every piece of furniture
against its back
while I sit at the window
peering through the blinds
waiting….

~

rain clatters
against the glass
muted caucophony
from within
i sit reflecting
another day
folds like melted wax
upon itself
sun has set
veiled by cloud
beyond my sight
assured slumber
i thought to sleep
in your hand
curled against
your open palm
to rest for a
moment’s lifetime
and then the rumor of a smile
brushes across my lips
light dim
and i close
my eyes

~