lei fraser

instant oatmeal falls
free from the torn pouch
to wait for boiling water
where ceramic curves
stuck in thick paste
to fight with the spoon

I want breakfast pie.
I want to live on
caffeine and mascara.
I want to forget the balanced meal
in the bottom of a wine bottle.
or ice cream tub

kettle whistling
breaks my reverie
one shoe sits forgotten
in the living room
my shirt is on inside out and backwards
judging by the reflection
in the microwave door
~

Broken frames tilt
in staccato steps across the wall
corners separated,
paint chipped and fading
Hanging by wire and finishing nails

landscapes not been seen in decades
I watch them leading across the room
silent parade
to the gold dipped window glass
witness the end of another day.

river stones on the window sill
are a reminder of strength I never had
but wished for
drawn in white quartz lines running around
the edge of granite smoothed by water’s constant breath

I turn the switch of the milk glass lamp
let the soft light fall over me
my feet hang off the edge
toes barely touching hardwood
one push back and I fall

night steals long shadows
dresses them to dance
in corners and stairwells
while I wrestle with the day
still living in my head

sleep comes to curl up beside me
a dent on the pillow
while I stare at the ceiling
willing the space between
one breath and the next
to bring more than it does

~

la fraser
September 2017

I wanted silence
after days of noise
and tears
heartbreak
silence
instead of music
birdsong or
conversation

I wanted darkness
to sit on my chest
and suffocate me
squash the light
from the corners
of my closed eyes
instead of opening
my heart to the sun

I wanted nothing
to fill the hole
left by a life undone
empty cups of tea
unsent letters
forgotten dreams
instead of stepping up
arms wide to gather

but that is not
the way of things
not at all

night rose
faint hint of gold
below gradient blue
trees still bare
snow melted still
on the wire
one last wintered gift
and I
I was lost
in memories
and wishes
what might come
and what will never
candle light
in mercury glass
frames the wondering
the hoping
the doubting
the wanting
the fear
the sorrow
the letting go
heart closed
I closed my eyes
prayed for sleep
and waited
for another
morning
to arrive
~

you died
at the beginning of spring
I felt your passing
knowing without knowing
my heart ripped away
and thrown into darkness
I knew
felt your love around me
like hummingbird kisses
one day we will walk
on the beach together
hand in hand
sweet girl I miss you
like lungs miss air
you were there
when my world fell apart
and listened while tears
wore trenches in my skin
lifelines in petals
and leaves
I will hold you
in those beautiful moments
grateful to know
your magic
touched me
burning marks to my soul
to remind me
you live.

day 5
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: the magician

you are the smell of coffee
in the faint morning light
lavender violet clouds
drifting past the window
as I stir the cream
with a spoon

I forget to breathe
when I see you
the smile no longer
rumoured on my lips
my skin giggles from
the pores
and I blush
in spite of myself
giddy

you embrace me
like a wave on the shore
in moonlight
while stars dance above
and breezes whisper secrets
along the shorline

never let me go.

day 4
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: page of cups

retreat
move forward
retreat a different way
move again
sliding across the board
until one more piece
is taken

my head pounds
thinking about you
watching
sitting
far enough away
to touch the glass

I asked for nothing
not the game
or the turning
the distance
or ridicule
and yet you gave it
freely

I took it
because at the time
I was worth nothing more

that nothing has grown
into wisps of clouds
intertwined with blue
the blush of spring blossoms
the rush of water
freed from the grip of winter
the light of morning
touching the window

without asking

I sit
bowed low
living
in your absence
~
April 3
Leigh-Anne Fraser

theme: the emperor

in the last light
knots untie
not by themselves of course
but carefully
with delicate fingers
and patience

I close my eyes
to work on the worst parts
the torn pages
torn pieces
forgotten
and buried

silk threads fall
through my fingers
undo the tapestry
as it hangs on the wall
across from me
watching
picking at the threads

do I know the worst parts
without knowing the best
asking threads to stop
weaving in and out
stop creating
makes no sense
no questions

in the last light
until the first
I let the threads fall
and begin weaving again.

pages turn
blanket unused
unspoiled
no scratches
or creases
empty

I cannot mirror
my mind
in the bleached fibers
no colour or ink
that blooms under my finger tips
within the stretched skin
covering my heart

although I try

I stare at the blank wall
wondering why
the words stop
at the glass

no not why
I know the answer

but why will they not move past
the chrystaline membrane
to breathe fresh air

pen picked up, put down
another torn page
blank screen
tick tack
then nothing

like a heart beating
breath held
and waiting
~
day 1
NaPoWriMo

30 days of poetry
theme: Two of Cups

tell me to be strong
as I close my eyes
head down in a vice
another blinding headache
fill my chest with stones
to balance the weight
and lay me beneath the stars
for one more night
with the moon

let your words float
around my face
to kiss my eyes to sleep
one last time before you go

remind me
please

snow melts
floods recede
sun rises
moon sets

life moves
in the deepest soil
seeking light
~

la fraser March 20, 2017

I am you
in your worry
held breath
waiting to be noticed
acknowledged
cared for
loved
understood

I am you
in the turning
of a page
learning connections
storytelling
in lines and wrinkles
dug deep on your skin

I am you
in the last light of day
sunset gold
falling across your face
with a rumour
of a smile

I am you
in the howling storm
the flooding emotion
that overwhelms
the breakwall
to pool
in low painful places
where the heart still aches

I am you
in the morning
as the sun rises
where sleeps lays
still curled in the blankets
warm and secure
against nightmare shadows

I am you

~

Leigh-Anne Fraser, March 8, 2017

please
you sat across from me
after explaining all
you can do
have done
wanted to do
how you wanted to give back
help others
now that you were working
and had a home of your own
help those
who are in the same place
you were
grateful after so many years
for help
for understanding

please
accept me

you said the words
more than once

I read the worry
in the thin trickle of sweat
that fell down the side of your face
while I explained
and asked questions
we spoke then of common friends
and our love of painting

our circles
woven closer
part of the same path
in this moment

I told you I was
grateful for you
and when I said
you were already part of our family
that we needed your help
you smiled
in the most beautiful way

~
Leigh-Anne Fraser, March 7, 2017