this wall

this fear
this love
this is my wall
i cannot break it down
or let it go
i hear it mumbling
in quiet tones
to find peace
solace
is that what i want?
always the goal
has been to love
and be loved in return
but who can do this
when i cannot simply
manage the high crested waves
that crash over
or drown me in the pull
unseen yet devestating
or when the sunlight
on the water blinds me
with its reflection
on a still afternoon
i have seen there
that i am my own wall
there in that instant of
blindness
how can i break
myself
to the point where
no wall
will be built again?

~

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