lei fraser

Lying in the woods, the earth is soft against my back. I stare up at the sky now grey with clouds. Tall pines sway with the heavy wind. They are moaning in protest. I can smell the fungus on the log above my head. Tiny green fingers reach from the creased bark, touching the decaying wood, growing through the holes that life has left behind.

I don’t want to die from stubbornness.

I don’t want to die from arrogance.

I don’t want to die from stupidity.

I don’t want to die from anger.

I don’t want to die from drowning.

I don’t want to die from falling.

I don’t want to die from meeting.

I don’t want to die from ending.

I don’t want to die from crashing.

I don’t want to die from burning.

I don’t want to die from crying.

I don’t want to die forgotten.

I don’t want to die from being me.

Light from the afternoon  sun reaches my legs, pulling me down into the loam. Violets bloom through my hair like a purple and white crown. Grapevine slips around my wrists, across my belly and breasts. Pull me through this cycle. Days ending and bring new light, trees bowing low to the earth, merging. One last breath.

I don’t want to die from boredom. Staring endlessly at blank walls, blank pages, blank roads with a blank mind.

I don’t want to die from loneliness.

Cardinals and screech owls call through the shadows. The Canadian Shield hums in time with my heart beat. Mice and red fox move through underbrush in a strange and necessary dance.

I don’t want to die without singing at the top of my lungs.

I don’t want to die without learning to juggle.

I don’t want to die without dancing.

I don’t want to die without flying.

I don’t want to die without saying goodbye.

I don’t want to die without saying I love you.
I don’t want

To die

Without

saying

I love you.

~ Leigh-Anne Fraser

a note: This was written in response to a new assignment set on Diving Deeper. We are often encourage to write about what we don’t want to write about – and this is definitely one of those topics that I don’t want to write about. As it turns out, and is usually the case, it’s a topic that I need to think about, go into, explore a bit, knock about, and see what comes out. Maybe there will be more than this about it – maybe not, I have no idea. I just thought I would share this one for now.

– la