lei fraser

Drink from this cup of tea
Feel the ridges
Where the cracks mark
Its ceramic face
Heat radiates from it
As I cup it in my hands
I watch the leaves of tea
Swirl and float,
Dancing with each sip
~

The pebble is smooth
Weight in my hand
Worn by the waves
That rocked it
Gently to shore
Holding this pressured
Piece of earth
I am overwhelmed by its beauty
Complete, rounded, solid
Some of the stones break
Beneath my feet,
Fragile slate and dried mud
But you, dear pebble,
Remain outwardly unchanged,
If I have left a mark
It is one I will never see
I have thought of those unknown marks
Finger prints and butterfly wings
Tiny ripples in the ocean
A mark left in ignorance
Is still a mark
Pebble,
Your strength holds me still,
Your simplicity wears and shapes me
~

Your simplicity shapes me,
Your strength holds me still.
Your cool core calms me,
And your weight is my anchor
You wear your mantle of history,
Etched by layers of sand and water,
Wisdom and truth
Time is meaningless to you,
You bear it like the gentle
Embrace of the evening tide.
If I hold you too close, will you
Crumble to sand, like the dried mud
Beneath my feet?
Really, I know it is I, who will crumble
And you will go on
Being warmed by the slowest movement,
The softest, lightest breeze.
~

the rain last night left me sleepless
it sang against the window
in the deepest hours
left me restless and wondering
about the smallest moments of my life

where will this wandering take me?
though now i feel i am waiting
like one of those raindrops
hoping to fall from the window sill
to join others in something bigger
than myself

one day maybe i will realize
maybe not until the sun shines again
that in that moment before i disappear
to return again to the sky
i am everything i can be
i am everything i am

i watch the raindrop patterns
as they dance across the glass
i cannot make any sense of them,
but i know just what they are
there can’t be only one raindrop that
falls on a cold november night
and i am waiting for the sun to rise
stubborn in my blindness
waiting to understand
waiting to be free
waiting to be me

~

lost in moments
that shine like stars
in the deep night sky
a trap some say,
like drowning
in a rushing river
toss in the torrent
and left to die on the shores

a photograph to remind me
of what was precious
and wasted
taken forgranted
forgotten
and loved
simply loved

the shell of me walks in the
hallways searching
for a place to rest
to lay down when
living is too tiring

it is enough to love
when the stars shine
in the deep night sky
brightly enough
to guide me
home

how can i say these words
the calm that steals over me
undoes the small pins of myself
that have been drawing
beads of blood for so long
and free from that pain of living

i can say i came home
to myself in the starlight –
watched the crescent moon
in the mirror reflection of my eyes
and let myself die one more death
knowing i have loved
and did not mistake
this time what i felt

the stars shine over me now
deep night draws to early m
morning and the new day, like
a perfect pearl is dropped
into my palm

i watched myself in the mirror
there shattered on the floor
a thousand pieces of me
scattered, staring back

there can be no mending
it seems
once the glass is broken
just sweep the shards up
toss them away
– forgotten

what lays beyond that moment
that moment of refuse?
the glass then ground
to powder by another hand
and fire to melt it to form again
not what it once was
but something…

in that fusion
born from destruction
not new, not more
never the same and yet it is

how sad to see
the thousand me’s disappear
without another thought
while somewhere another
works to mend the glass

and i –
i am left standing
looking everywhere
but at myself.

~

misted fields bathed
in autumn gold
leaves glisten with the morning

lines of sunlight breaking
through the trees
cut the ribbon of road
winding through
swirling and dancing

gossamer thoughts
float in amongst the hovering
passing like walking
through spirit

i cannot be still in this stillness
even the birds can
in their morning slumber yet

i move with the winds
down and along the gravel road
when it turns
and leads away from here
this one moment so perfect

then gone
with the rising sun
and another day

this mist like the day
holds everything and nothing
a breath of life
that waits
and falls away
with the warmth

i long for that moment of clarity
which lets me see
just as things are not
as i want them to be.

the falcon cries to warn
of its hungered flight
and even its wing is hushed by the
cloak of morning

all too soon i am gone
turning again along the road
and i breathe in as i pass
while the light dissolves
my reflection in the mist

caught in the reflection
in the glasses on the desk
perched on books and papers
here, now more than for reading
i realize… and ask

what do i see there?

the window
sharp lines
on more glass
and sunlight that falls over me
more
what do i see there?

gentle curve of metal frame
while the seeing is held
through them
what don’t i see there
when i am wearing them?

seeing now
from the other side
of the lens..
the lines and shape
the light and shadow
the moment
and everything that i don’t see
looking through
looking away

~

this fear
this love
this is my wall
i cannot break it down
or let it go
i hear it mumbling
in quiet tones
to find peace
solace
is that what i want?
always the goal
has been to love
and be loved in return
but who can do this
when i cannot simply
manage the high crested waves
that crash over
or drown me in the pull
unseen yet devestating
or when the sunlight
on the water blinds me
with its reflection
on a still afternoon
i have seen there
that i am my own wall
there in that instant of
blindness
how can i break
myself
to the point where
no wall
will be built again?

~

life
living through the cracks
in moments
like glimmering shafts
of sunlight
through the broken window slats
of an aging house
maybe brief
until the clouds come
or the moment has passed

i am jealous of the cracks
and all that falls through
forgotten treasures
spilled like salt
here even where the cracks
can be the straight lines
to someone
to somewhere
expected
more subversive
– perhaps

than the seemingly lost
but there – caught again
in the light
glinting like diamonds
waiting to be noticed
~