bump in the road

I have been mostly offline for the past month or so, and especially in the last couple of weeks due to computer issues. My six year old laptop has finally decided that it no longer wanted to work how/ when I wanted it too. Instead, it has chosen to auto-write using only the ” – ” key… ad nauseum. This makes writing anything a bit of a challenge.

So, I found myself unable to communicate much less work on writing projects because of the hardware issue. Working from my phone is impossible because well, it is a phone, and I am also having some eye issues. I need to book an appointment for the old eyeballs soon because since my last hospital inspection, my eyesight has deteriorated significantly. Reading is next to impossible, and fine print, forget it. Being old doesn’t help either, although my eye doc did tell me the last time I was in for a check up that I would not need glasses until I was eighty but things have changed.

It’s a bump in the road. All of it.

Thanks to the generosity of my oldest, I have a loaner laptop when I need it. I am grateful. I wasn’t planning on a complete digital detox of my non-work life but I got one anyway. I have been making things, and reading more. I have a few sketches done for a new painting  and a new work table set up in the apartment to encourage me to actually break out the paints.

What I am missing most though is the space and time to write. I have to admit, I have been writing offline more than online lately. It wasn’t because of the laptop disaster but out of a deep need to hold an actual pen in my hand and press it to paper. I haven’t written as much as I would have liked to, but I have enjoyed the pen scratching. Likely that will continue as the summer unfolds, but so will the click-clack of typing now that I have a sleek little Mac book to borrow when I have a moment to spare.

Why am I writing about this tonight? Not sure actually. I have found myself paring back still on what I do share on social media – I rarely am on any platforms any more and have deleted several pages and sites because I have lost interest. I think I would like to focus on one space for awhile rather than spread out over many. Likely it will be this space because I am drawn to what is here, but I promise, it will be less rambling and more creatively interesting. Unless you like babbling, then this post might just be up your alley.

Anyway, my goal is to not have any goals, make no plans and let whatever arrives here arrive. Finding the balance I need between work life and the rest is challenging these days, but I am committed to keeping that creative fire alive.

If you are taking the time to read this nonsense, thank you. I make no promises. I may be back sooner rather than later. I may be lost in a book or two or up to my eyeballs in acrylic paint. Whatever the case may be, I will pop in and share.

la

Advertisements

taking a break, reducing noise

I took a step yesterday evening that I probably should have done awhile ago, but did not for a variety of different reasons… I deleted all social media apps from my phone and am taking an official break from all things social media for a couple of weeks. It feels strange to even writing it down/ announce it, but it is necessary. I am sensitive to the fact that because of the many circles I am connected to, if I simply disappeared, there would be issues (unnecessary ones) and I will avoid that as much as I possibly can. It goes against my agreeable nature to make others worry or cause a ruckus. I like to be drama free, but where social media is concerned, we all seem to walk on egg shells sometimes no matter what we do.

I suppose technically writing here is a form of social media, but any interaction is a bit more arms length and less immediate. I have my reasons for taking a break elsewhere. The biggest one being self-care. I am also frustrated with some of the platforms that have shifted from social connection to billboards in such a drastic manner when I sign in I am seeing old posts under ‘most recent’ or a slew of advertisements that I don’t care about. I am fairly good at balancing the different parts of my life but lately, people are very demanding, and I need some time off. So, I am walking away. Well, clicking away (and rolling around in my desk chair) to refocus on returning to simpler tasks and reducing the noise.

I have no plan, other than to perhaps write more if the moment strikes, get outside more now that the weather is finally warmer and free of snow and ice, and simply take a break from having my energy drawn in too many different directions. I will be actively engaged in the spring cleaning of my soul.

la

day 7 – I wanted silence


I wanted silence
after days of noise
and tears
heartbreak
silence
instead of music
birdsong or
conversation

I wanted darkness
to sit on my chest
and suffocate me
squash the light
from the corners
of my closed eyes
instead of opening
my heart to the sun

I wanted nothing
to fill the hole
left by a life undone
empty cups of tea
unsent letters
forgotten dreams
instead of stepping up
arms wide to gather

but that is not
the way of things
not at all

day 7
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: the world

day 6 – night rose


night rose
faint hint of gold
below gradient blue
trees still bare
snow melted still
on the wire
one last wintered gift
and I
I was lost
in memories
and wishes
what might come
and what will never
candle light
in mercury glass
frames the wondering
the hoping
the doubting
the wanting
the fear
the sorrow
the letting go
heart closed
I closed my eyes
prayed for sleep
and waited
for another
morning
to arrive
~
day 6
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: page of cups

day 5 – Patty Sue

you died
at the beginning of spring
I felt your passing
knowing without knowing
my heart ripped away
and thrown into darkness
I knew
felt your love around me
like hummingbird kisses
one day we will walk
on the beach together
hand in hand
sweet girl I miss you
like lungs miss air
you were there
when my world fell apart
and listened while tears
wore trenches in my skin
lifelines in petals
and leaves
I will hold you
in those beautiful moments
grateful to know
your magic
touched me
burning marks to my soul
to remind me
you live.

day 5
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: the magician

day 4 – daydream

you are the smell of coffee
in the faint morning light
lavender violet clouds
drifting past the window
as I stir the cream
with a spoon

I forget to breathe
when I see you
the smile no longer
rumoured on my lips
my skin giggles from
the pores
and I blush
in spite of myself
giddy

you embrace me
like a wave on the shore
in moonlight
while stars dance above
and breezes whisper secrets
along the shorline

never let me go.

day 4
Leigh-Anne Fraser
theme: page of cups

day 3 – retreat

retreat
move forward
retreat a different way
move again
sliding across the board
until one more piece
is taken

my head pounds
thinking about you
watching
sitting
far enough away
to touch the glass

I asked for nothing
not the game
or the turning
the distance
or ridicule
and yet you gave it
freely

I took it
because at the time
I was worth nothing more

that nothing has grown
into wisps of clouds
intertwined with blue
the blush of spring blossoms
the rush of water
freed from the grip of winter
the light of morning
touching the window

without asking

I sit
bowed low
living
in your absence
~
April 3
Leigh-Anne Fraser

theme: the emperor