L: Why do the tops of my feet itch? I scratch, but seconds later, the skin is crawling and begging to be scratched again. It’s distracting. I don’t want to be thinking about scratching. I don’t want to be thinking about anything right now. I just want to be writing. No. more than that, I just want to be heard. That’s why I started writing you know. To be heard. No one does though.
V: [snorts] You’re too quiet. No one listens because you are too quiet.
L: Shut up. I don’t want you to start talking.
V: Seriously, if you were a little louder, then maybe someone would at least be able to hear you. They might not choose to listen, but at least they would have a choice. Right now, they don’t.
L: Shut up. What do you know? You sit in that chair day in and day out doing what? Waiting for just the right moment to open your yap and start talking crap about me.
V: No need to get testy. I realize that you are having a pity party here, but…
L: Oh my god, why don’t you just shut up? You are interrupting. My feet are worse now. It’s your fault.
V: Complain much?
L: I am going to ignore you now.
V: Fine. I’m not going anywhere though.
L: Oh I know.
V: Carry on then.
L: Fine. I will. As I was saying… I want to be heard. I have something to say. Oh would you stop making faces at me. Turn your chair around in that corner. Stare out the window or something would you? You are like a 2 year old. Ok where was I…. yes, I want to say something but I don’t know how to do it. I mean, I can write it out but who will read it? Someone might read it, react and then say nothing. Maybe it doesn’t get read at all. I don’t read anything that I write usually. What does that say about me?
V: That you are a terrible listener.
L: No that’s not true. I am not a terrible listener. I listen.
V: No you don’t. You never listen. You are told so many things every single day and you don’t listen. You don’t even remember that you were told.
L: That’s not true.
V: Oh yes it is. You are a serial non-listener.
L: shut up.
V: No, I won’t shut up. You are sitting there, complaining about not knowing how to write to be heard, not knowing how to speak up, and yet you have all the tools in front of you to do exactly what you want. EXACTLY. So what do you do? You sit and complain some more. You’re a lazy cow.
L: Hey, that’s not nice.
V: I’m not a nice person.
L: No kidding.
V: Get used to it.
L: I don’t want to.
V: Tough
L: This is getting boring you know.
V: Yeah, I kind of figured that is what you would do.
L: What do you mean?
V: Well, as soon as you are faced with some truth about yourself, you turn tail and run away.
L: No I don’t.
V: Yes, yes you do. You are doing it right now.
L: It’s not nice to call someone a lazy cow.
V: Well picture it – a beautiful cow sitting in a huge meadow, wildflowers all over the place, wide open blue sky and the cow is just sitting there, chewing on its cud. You chew on the same thing over and over again.
L: OK well if you are so smart, what should I do??
V: I am not going to tell you what to do. That’s your job to figure it out.
L: Your job is just to insult me?
V: I’m not insulting you. Cows are sacred many places in the world. The cow itself isn’t a negative comment. Sitting there, surrounded by every possibility and continuously chewing on the same things over and over. That’s negative.You are even making me repeat things again. You really are a terrible listener.
L: I’m not. I don’t want to be stuck. I am stuck. I am feeling like I am up to my neck in being stuck. There used to be a idea of where to go. I used to have it. I don’t any more. I don’t know how to get it back. Don’t you think that things happen in cycles – wide circles that we end up coming back to, things we need to work on, work out because that thing that we have to work out is bigger than us. We come back to it again and again because we need to.
V: you aren’t wrong there.
L: gee thanks.
V: you aren’t completely right either.
L: of course not. So tell me your theory Guru.
V: You waste a lot of time going back again and again to something that really you should recognize what you’ve already learned and don’t have to repeat the experience. If every time it happened, it was like putting your bare hand on a hot stove element you’d learn faster, but having your heart break every time, and you keep coming back to it, well that’s just stupid.
L: so I’m stupid now???
V: [sighs] no. well yes and no. Keep pushing me and you will be full on stupid. I am only trying to help you see more clearly.
L: [blushes] sorry. Ok, I will try to be a better listener.
V: [shaking head] well don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. Look, you are constantly connecting with everything around you – people, things, experiences, messages, all of it. Can you honestly say that you do this consciously? Can you say that you are aware – feel aware as you connect with someone or something? Isn’t it mostly done on auto pilot?
L: well yes, mostly on auto pilot. It’s all a lot to process.
V: yes it is. I will try to be more gentle with you ok? I didn’t mean to make you upset.
L: It’s ok. I was being argumentative. I am just frustrated.
V: I know. It’s ok.
~
V: Tell them.
L: Tell them what? Who?
V: You are too easily distracted.
L: Yes I am, but who am I telling what to now?
V: You said you had something to say. Say it.
L: [blushes] I don’t know how to say it. It isn’t even an ‘it’ it’s a something. Something that has been niggling at me, at the back of my head for while now.
V: maybe you aren’t trying to say it to anyone. Maybe you are trying to just tell yourself.
L: I hadn’t thought about it like that. You could be right. So what is it?
V: what is what?
L: what is it – what am I trying to tell myself?
V: oh no. You have to do it, not me. You have to do the work, otherwise, what’s the point?
L: C’mon. You just gave me a huge speech about how I waste time. Now I am asking you – I know you know, and this will save time don’t you think?
V: no. no it won’t save time, you have to do the work. God that pisses me off…
L: pisses you off? Why shouldn’t I ask for your help?? I mean you’re right here, right in front of me. Of course I am going to ask you for help.
V: you are missing the point.
L: so explain it to me would you? I am totally confused now.
V: don’t exaggerate.
L: don’t get huffy with me.
V: Look. It’s like saying to someone – you have a chance to learn something here. Valuable life experience, something that matters – here you go and handed it to them like it was a fresh baked cookie. They don’t get to measure the ingredients, pour the oil and water in, stir, wait the minutes for the cookies to bake and then cool before eating them. What is learned then? Nothing.
L: Isn’t part of learning asking questions?
V: yes, of course – but you have to ask the right questions, ones that help not ones that let you take shortcuts. I don’t care. I mean, I am not going anywhere. If you want to cheat and end up right back in the same place you’re in now that’s your business.
L: I don’t want to be right back at square one.
V: well it’s not rocket science. Do the work.
L: okay okay.
V: this is nothing new here. So many others have talked abou
t it, gone through it and tried to avoid facing it.
L: what?
V: the truth of course. The truth.
L: big truth or little truth.
V: huh?
L: you know big or little?
V: hey truth is truth. The rest is fear. Get over it.
L: ok, well don’t get impatient with me. I am trying to figure this all out.
V: I am impatient. This has got to be the hundredth time we’ve been in this very spot, and you asking the very same things. I want you to get it this time.
L: Get what?
V: Wait for it.
L: Jesus, you are confusing me tonight.
V: Don’t bring Jesus into this, he’s busy enough as it is.
L: Oh ha ha – ok, let’s set out some ground rules.
V: No way. You don’t get to set the ground rules. They are already set. You have to work within them. No cheating.
L: ok, fine. But …
V: what but? No buts
L: I might have to bring Jesus into this.
V: Not yet.
~
(*note. this is pure freefall, no editing or formatting… each block is the result of a 20 min writing session. As I have been going into the challenge of this exercise, I realize that I am becoming more and more “free” from blocking what comes up. No matter who uncomfortable it might be to write/ hear… that is my commitment to the process. These two voices have come up before while doing a deep dive/ free fall – they are a snarky couple. I suspect that I will be writing about them again soon.
xo
la
to be continued)
lei fraser 