Unsent Letters – Twelve Days of Christmas – IV

IV

Last night I dreamed that I was standing in a doorway. There was nothing before me and nothing behind me. It wasn’t a big door way, just big enough for me, with a wide wooden frame. I felt nothing, standing there surrounded by black and wood. No fear, no push to move forward or backward, I was simply waiting. I realize now after waking that I cannot say I felt nothing – because I did feel something. I felt still. I felt like I was waiting. The nothing that happened in the dream was stillness. I woke up with that same feeling, like a quiet pond of water, stilled and undisturbed by a breeze or fish swimming just below the surface to cause small waves to ripple outward.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt undisturbed, settled like a stone in the ground and yet unconfined by anything, no worry, no fear, no pull anywhere. How can I not smile and feel happy about this? I do. It isn’t the kind of happy that is joyous and raucous that fills me to the point of bursting, but a quiet joy that is like a gentle embrace, safe, warm and loving. I am here.

It is the pause between breaths, between waves, between this moment and the next that carries with it knowing without knowing. There is something deeply beautiful about finding myself here – something that goes beyond words.

What could I give you today? I would share this pause with you, slip my hand into yours and hold you still, so that we can be here together.

with love
L

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