lei fraser

II

Illusion is not the gift that I would give to you today, on the second day of Christmas. Today I am reminded at every turn about duality.  The separation from the source, the longing and loneliness that comes from feeling separated, isolated and lost in the illusion. Instead, my gift for you today would be clarity.

Tonight I stood outside in the cold, watching the sky. I could hear the river flowing around me, and the tall pine trees moving in the wind. I turned my face towards the sky and watched the stars. I watched them knowing that they were brighter because I was alone in the darkness, away from the bustle of the city and artificial light. The stars clustered together and danced and were brighter still because I knew that you were standing under the same sky with me. I suddenly felt as though I had reached out to hold your hand, and you were there to hold mine.

Tonight while we stood holding hands under the stars and empty sky, I thought of the gift of clarity. This gift, today, is for seeing yourself as the truly beautiful person that you are.

L.

unsent letters

I

On my finger, I wear a silver ring with a simply cut blue topaz. I chose it because of the stone and the way the silver winds itself around the flesh in two infinity symbols. Blue topaz is the stone of true love and success in everything one does. I bought it because it reminds me of you. Each day I understand more fully why you have come into my life, and how we have become entwined well beyond this life now.

On this quiet December day, this is my first gift to you, the first wish, the first dream from the deepest part of my heart – that true love and success will weave itself through the very fabric of your life, and touch every single thread. May you be wrapped in this love, may you breathe it in deeply, may it surround you every moment of every day.

If I could give you one thing – of all other things it is the truth of love.

There is a song that I am learning the music and lyrics to right now – a surprise for sometime in the future. The words are strongly in my ears now:

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
~ Adele Make You Feel My Love

~
I cannot yet sing this song entirely – mid way I begin to think about you and start to cry. It is difficult to cry and sing at the same time. I am not sure that I will be able to stand on stage and sing this to you, but one day I will…

Feel the love around you, let it touch you, touch your soul and remind you that you deserve love in your life. You do.

On this first day of Christmas, this is what I give to you. Two lives touching the same stone.

True love forever.

L.
~

“…in constant repair” she wrote. The letter sat unfinished in front of Mai. She held the pen between her fingers, poised to continue. Mai tapped the pen on the wood tabletop, not knowing how to continue.  She sat in the silent room waiting, and then it came…

In constant repair
I am calling to you
Opened to the point of breaking
My heart is here
Set out for you, waiting

Somewhere in my dreams
You came to me
Whispered the words
To guide me
To hold me up
And hold me still

In constant repair
After the storms have passed
Wandering in the dark streets
Lost in the winding maze
I need you to come for me
take me home
take me home
take me home

Mai stopped writing. She picked up the vanilla coloured paper and crumpled into a tight ball. She threw it across the room. The paper landed with a soft plock onto the pile that sat beside the empty trash bin, just as Justin walked into the room.

‘How’s the writing going?” he asked. Mai’s brother looked at the mountain of crushed paper and smirked. “Looks like you killed a tree already”

“Shut up Justin. What do you want?” Mai snapped. Justin threw up his hands in defence.

“Hey take it easy. Just because you’re frustrated don’t take it out on me” he said. Mai took a deep breath and sighed.

“Sorry, it’s… it is frustrating as hell. There is something there, waiting to be written but I just can’t make it come out.” Mai buried her head into her arms. She heard Justin walk up to the table and put his hand in her back between her shoulder blades.

“Well, worrying about it isn’t going to help. Why don’t we go out and see a movie or do something? You need to take a break.” He said. Mai looked up at him and saw him nod towards the pile of failed starts.

“Maybe, but I need to write this… “ she said pushing out her bottom lip.

“Yeah but you need to live too. Come on – you’ve been doing this for hours, take a break.” Justin insisted.

“Alright, get my coat. We can cut through the park. I need some fresh air.” Mai said, giving in. Justin was right, she thought, the story would come when it was ready to and the best thing was to get out. Justin flashed a grin and disappeared to the front hall closet. Mai heard him rummaging around when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver and tucked it in the crook of her neck, as she bent down to pull on her shoes.

“Hello?” Mai said. The line was full of static and crackled in her ear. There was a loud snap and a screech of digital sound. Mai thought suddenly that someone was trying to send her a fax, though she had no fax machine. A wrong number probably

“Hello?” she said again. There was no response. Mai shrugged and put down the phone. Justin came back into the room carrying Mai’s red pea coat and scarf.

“Who was that?” he asked, draping the coat over the back of the overstuffed armchair at the doorway.
“Wrong number I guess.” Mai said. She stood up and straightened her sweater. She shrugged on her coat and was tying the scarf when the phone rang again. She picked up the receiver again and answered.

“Hello?” she said into the mouth piece. The same static roared into her ear. Mai held the receiver away from her ear.

“Ow!” she said. Justin looked at her concerned. She covered part of the phone with one hand and whispered to him.

“Same static. Must be the same person again” she said. She listened to the call again. This time she heard a faint voice through the popping static. Mai could barely make out what the person was saying.

“You are going to have to speak up I can hardly hear you!” she said. The line hissed even louder. Mai made a face at Justin, who shrugged. The voice on the other end of the line suddenly came through clearly.

“Help me. I’m bleeding. There’s been an accident. She’s dead. I can’t reach her. We are on…” a woman’s voice pleaded. The static over powered the line again before she could finish. Mai’s stomach dropped.

“What? Who is this? Who’s dead?” Mai said quickly. Justin came over and stood beside her.

“Justin, I can’t hear her. Can you check the other phone? Maybe her number is on the display.” Mai said, she held up her hand before Justin could say anything. “Hello? Please? I need to know where you are so we can send help” Justin came back with the other phone. He showed it to Mai. The number was unknown. He turned on the phone and listened while Mai strained to hear the woman’s voice.

“….. fallen trees… side of the highway… ravine.” The voice continued. The static made it impossible to hear every word.

“Please say it again we can’t hear you” Mai said. Suddenly the line went dead.

“NO!” Mai said. Justin put down the phone in his hand, and took Mai’s. He punched the buttons hoping to be able to redial. Mai slumped and sank down onto the sofa while Justin tried to call back.

“Dammit. Can’t call back.” He said. “What are we going to do?” Mai looked at him blankly.

“I don’t know. What can we do?” she asked. A feeling of dread crawled over her. “Wait until she calls back.” Justin looked at her. Worry etched into his face.

“If she calls back.” He said.
~