IX

In a cube there are nine planes of symmetry. Two sets of planes meet each other within the folds and turns to form the box that we put ourselves in. Break the box, I am hearing today. Break the line, move to the opposite side and break through again and again.

I dreamed again last night about the door.

A voice asked me if I was the door. I replied, “Am I the door? Yes I am the door.” Over and over I repeated in the dream “I am the door”. I woke up with those words in my head.

I am the door.

Walk through.

On the ninth day, my gift to you is a little red box that contains everything that I am, everything that I have been, everything that I will be. Today I am letting go of this box – what I have guarded carefully all these years. Breaking free of the box, anything is possible. Instead of a box, I am the door. A screen door in summertime. An open door to any room in my house. A door that leads inside and outside. A door that leads everywhere.

I am the door.

Walk through.

And again.
L.

VIII

Eight points of light dance across my desk as the sun shines this morning. The light spills over me as I am writing. Light refracted through the crystal hanging against the glass – today I feel small like these eight pinpoints of light and colour. I am moving with them, dancing and turning slowly as the sun passes through the sky. I realized just now, that it is in the sunshine that I talk with you most. I send words and thoughts along the rays of light, with the hope that somehow they will reach you and be heard.

My only gift to you today would be those rays of light, so that you could hear that I miss you.

L.

Out of the silence
A gift of a seed
Placed in the palm of your hand

In the center
Already knowing
Waiting to grow
Waiting to live
Waiting to love

Out of the silence
We emerge
We merge
We me
We
~
L.

Swimming
in the moment
Rise to the surface
Fall back down
Held by sand and muddy shore
Water moves out to touch
Others returning
We are moving
Like a breath
With each ripple
~

L.

V

Silence
Like a liquid chrysalis
Slips around you and I
Embraced
We are held
As one
~

My gift to you on the fifth day is silence. 

III

On the third day, I asked what I should tell you. I lifted the question up for the universe and the answer came clearly and loudly in my ears. Letting go. This is not easy for me to do, to let go and allow – allow what must happen to happen, what needs to happen, and not let fears creep in. Old fears, new ones, any fears to tip toe their way into my heart and take up residence with the cobwebs and dust. They sit amongst the brighter places where the sun has broken through the cracks and sprawled out like cats, sleeping happily. I bring them all in and instead of letting go, make more and more room there for everything that arrives. There is a tower of discarded thoughts and memories in the corner, leaning precariously against the wall and to me, when I look at it, is ready to slip out from the middle at any moment to send the entire thing crashing down once again. The question rises up too if it happens, will I choose to rebuild that tower again? Will I take the time to sweep it all out and throw open the windows and let the shadows stretch and dance with the light? Perhaps.

It’s normal to hear these days, someone telling us to let go. We must let go is the constant message, let go of this and that, let go of anger, let go of fear, let go of worry, let go of concern, let go of ideas and old conditions… you, we must let go. That would not be my gift today for you – to tell you to let go. I cannot let go myself, so how can I tell you to let go? No, it is like the wind through my fingers, difficult to grasp. It is like holding poetry or the flying of a butterfly, I cannot do it – cannot let go… of that, or of you. Ah, for some reason now after having written those words to you, I am laughing – where does this cannot come from?? It is as though I am suddenly a three year old child, standing in the middle of the living room of my home, blond pig tails flapping while I stomp my foot. NO. I say, NO I CANNOT! And then the sigh comes that relaxes everything, and I find instead I am chasing the breath, my breath, instead of the words cannot and no. This is good.

My gift today is not to let go, but simply this – breathe.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

And it all falls away.

There is nothing to do except breathe.

L.

IV

Last night I dreamed that I was standing in a doorway. There was nothing before me and nothing behind me. It wasn’t a big door way, just big enough for me, with a wide wooden frame. I felt nothing, standing there surrounded by black and wood. No fear, no push to move forward or backward, I was simply waiting. I realize now after waking that I cannot say I felt nothing – because I did feel something. I felt still. I felt like I was waiting. The nothing that happened in the dream was stillness. I woke up with that same feeling, like a quiet pond of water, stilled and undisturbed by a breeze or fish swimming just below the surface to cause small waves to ripple outward.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt undisturbed, settled like a stone in the ground and yet unconfined by anything, no worry, no fear, no pull anywhere. How can I not smile and feel happy about this? I do. It isn’t the kind of happy that is joyous and raucous that fills me to the point of bursting, but a quiet joy that is like a gentle embrace, safe, warm and loving. I am here.

It is the pause between breaths, between waves, between this moment and the next that carries with it knowing without knowing. There is something deeply beautiful about finding myself here – something that goes beyond words.

What could I give you today? I would share this pause with you, slip my hand into yours and hold you still, so that we can be here together.

with love
L

II

Illusion is not the gift that I would give to you today, on the second day of Christmas. Today I am reminded at every turn about duality.  The separation from the source, the longing and loneliness that comes from feeling separated, isolated and lost in the illusion. Instead, my gift for you today would be clarity.

Tonight I stood outside in the cold, watching the sky. I could hear the river flowing around me, and the tall pine trees moving in the wind. I turned my face towards the sky and watched the stars. I watched them knowing that they were brighter because I was alone in the darkness, away from the bustle of the city and artificial light. The stars clustered together and danced and were brighter still because I knew that you were standing under the same sky with me. I suddenly felt as though I had reached out to hold your hand, and you were there to hold mine.

Tonight while we stood holding hands under the stars and empty sky, I thought of the gift of clarity. This gift, today, is for seeing yourself as the truly beautiful person that you are.

L.

unsent letters

I

On my finger, I wear a silver ring with a simply cut blue topaz. I chose it because of the stone and the way the silver winds itself around the flesh in two infinity symbols. Blue topaz is the stone of true love and success in everything one does. I bought it because it reminds me of you. Each day I understand more fully why you have come into my life, and how we have become entwined well beyond this life now.

On this quiet December day, this is my first gift to you, the first wish, the first dream from the deepest part of my heart – that true love and success will weave itself through the very fabric of your life, and touch every single thread. May you be wrapped in this love, may you breathe it in deeply, may it surround you every moment of every day.

If I could give you one thing – of all other things it is the truth of love.

There is a song that I am learning the music and lyrics to right now – a surprise for sometime in the future. The words are strongly in my ears now:

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
~ Adele Make You Feel My Love

~
I cannot yet sing this song entirely – mid way I begin to think about you and start to cry. It is difficult to cry and sing at the same time. I am not sure that I will be able to stand on stage and sing this to you, but one day I will…

Feel the love around you, let it touch you, touch your soul and remind you that you deserve love in your life. You do.

On this first day of Christmas, this is what I give to you. Two lives touching the same stone.

True love forever.

L.
~

“…in constant repair” she wrote. The letter sat unfinished in front of Mai. She held the pen between her fingers, poised to continue. Mai tapped the pen on the wood tabletop, not knowing how to continue.  She sat in the silent room waiting, and then it came…

In constant repair
I am calling to you
Opened to the point of breaking
My heart is here
Set out for you, waiting

Somewhere in my dreams
You came to me
Whispered the words
To guide me
To hold me up
And hold me still

In constant repair
After the storms have passed
Wandering in the dark streets
Lost in the winding maze
I need you to come for me
take me home
take me home
take me home

Mai stopped writing. She picked up the vanilla coloured paper and crumpled into a tight ball. She threw it across the room. The paper landed with a soft plock onto the pile that sat beside the empty trash bin, just as Justin walked into the room.

‘How’s the writing going?” he asked. Mai’s brother looked at the mountain of crushed paper and smirked. “Looks like you killed a tree already”

“Shut up Justin. What do you want?” Mai snapped. Justin threw up his hands in defence.

“Hey take it easy. Just because you’re frustrated don’t take it out on me” he said. Mai took a deep breath and sighed.

“Sorry, it’s… it is frustrating as hell. There is something there, waiting to be written but I just can’t make it come out.” Mai buried her head into her arms. She heard Justin walk up to the table and put his hand in her back between her shoulder blades.

“Well, worrying about it isn’t going to help. Why don’t we go out and see a movie or do something? You need to take a break.” He said. Mai looked up at him and saw him nod towards the pile of failed starts.

“Maybe, but I need to write this… “ she said pushing out her bottom lip.

“Yeah but you need to live too. Come on – you’ve been doing this for hours, take a break.” Justin insisted.

“Alright, get my coat. We can cut through the park. I need some fresh air.” Mai said, giving in. Justin was right, she thought, the story would come when it was ready to and the best thing was to get out. Justin flashed a grin and disappeared to the front hall closet. Mai heard him rummaging around when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver and tucked it in the crook of her neck, as she bent down to pull on her shoes.

“Hello?” Mai said. The line was full of static and crackled in her ear. There was a loud snap and a screech of digital sound. Mai thought suddenly that someone was trying to send her a fax, though she had no fax machine. A wrong number probably

“Hello?” she said again. There was no response. Mai shrugged and put down the phone. Justin came back into the room carrying Mai’s red pea coat and scarf.

“Who was that?” he asked, draping the coat over the back of the overstuffed armchair at the doorway.
“Wrong number I guess.” Mai said. She stood up and straightened her sweater. She shrugged on her coat and was tying the scarf when the phone rang again. She picked up the receiver again and answered.

“Hello?” she said into the mouth piece. The same static roared into her ear. Mai held the receiver away from her ear.

“Ow!” she said. Justin looked at her concerned. She covered part of the phone with one hand and whispered to him.

“Same static. Must be the same person again” she said. She listened to the call again. This time she heard a faint voice through the popping static. Mai could barely make out what the person was saying.

“You are going to have to speak up I can hardly hear you!” she said. The line hissed even louder. Mai made a face at Justin, who shrugged. The voice on the other end of the line suddenly came through clearly.

“Help me. I’m bleeding. There’s been an accident. She’s dead. I can’t reach her. We are on…” a woman’s voice pleaded. The static over powered the line again before she could finish. Mai’s stomach dropped.

“What? Who is this? Who’s dead?” Mai said quickly. Justin came over and stood beside her.

“Justin, I can’t hear her. Can you check the other phone? Maybe her number is on the display.” Mai said, she held up her hand before Justin could say anything. “Hello? Please? I need to know where you are so we can send help” Justin came back with the other phone. He showed it to Mai. The number was unknown. He turned on the phone and listened while Mai strained to hear the woman’s voice.

“….. fallen trees… side of the highway… ravine.” The voice continued. The static made it impossible to hear every word.

“Please say it again we can’t hear you” Mai said. Suddenly the line went dead.

“NO!” Mai said. Justin put down the phone in his hand, and took Mai’s. He punched the buttons hoping to be able to redial. Mai slumped and sank down onto the sofa while Justin tried to call back.

“Dammit. Can’t call back.” He said. “What are we going to do?” Mai looked at him blankly.

“I don’t know. What can we do?” she asked. A feeling of dread crawled over her. “Wait until she calls back.” Justin looked at her. Worry etched into his face.

“If she calls back.” He said.
~

No one ever asks me why I stand at the window, watching the night sulk in alleys and draw long shadows as the sunsets.No one.

No one ever asks me why I stand at the window, watching the night sulk in alleys and draw long shadows as the sunsets.No one.