{summer pages} excerpt – Stay here Gracie

Waiting for your voice to reach me,
I lay in darkness and hold my breath
To slow the pounding beat of my heart

~
Gracie perched on the wooden window sill with one leg dangling from the second floor. She stretched her bare foot and rubbed her heel on the rough brick. The maple tree shivered with the cool evening wind. Goosebumps rose up on Gracie’s skin. She leaned out and looked up the lane. Gracie saw only empty road. The sun threw long lines of gold across the fields. Jack had been out haying all day. The dust still hung in the air. A song came on the radio inside the room. Gracie looked down the slope of the porch roof below her feet to the yard below. The peonies had finished blooming a few weeks ago. The blooms were fading and the ants that helped long gone. Gracie pushed the window up as far as it would go. She bent forward and maneuvered herself onto the other side of the glass, holding onto the sill with one arm so she wouldn’t fall.
The farmhouse was surrounded on four sides by fields. Clusters of trees interrupted the fence lines, forcing them to zigzag around roots and trunks. An old barn, black with age, squatted behind the house and the dilapidated hen house beside it. They moved to the farm when Gracie was a year old. Gracie heard noise downstairs. She sat still. Seconds later, Lucifer, her Siamese came barreling through the door. She heard him crash into the corner and watched him jump onto the bed as though nothing had happened. The sky slowly shifted into the purple and blues of dusk. Small brown bats darted from the chimneys to the trees and back again, eating mosquitos and moths. Gracie eyed the peaked roof above her. She wanted to climb but she didn’t dare. The shingles were old and cracked in places. She could see places where moss had started to grow. Gracie saw the first star peek through the inkwell of sky. She closed her eyes tightly and made a wish. A sudden gust of wind came up and made Gracie sway. She gripped the bottom of the window, digging her fingers into the brittle old paint. She kept her eyes closed and wondered if anyone would notice if she fell.

~

shape of my love

 


I pour myself into
this shape
oozing and undone
heart unmended
seeping
Love flowing
into low places
studying
the map of me
love tips
into the toes and shins
moves among the muscles
and skin
long strides
bone strength
to carry on
moving
wrapped centre
tightly holding on
along the neck
to the eyes
rising
hope dressed in
sunlight and blue sky
holding my hands
as love enters
I fall away

~ Leigh-Anne Fraser

a little hometown history

I just happened to come across a post that my friend Kathy Drue mentioned about a photo challenge put out into the universe by Scott Thomas. Maybe it is because it has rained for almost four weeks straight here and I desperately need something fun to do, or the fact that I am sleep deprived, but I thought I would jump in and share some photos that I took last weekend while I was out and about in my home town. It is interesting, before I share the photos, about how people define what a ‘hometown’ is. For some it is the place that they were born, where they grew up, for others it is where they are living right now. For me, home is where my heart is – and well my heart has been a few places over the years. Right now, my heart is planted in a small town called St. Thomas, Ontario…. ready to have a little tour of this place I love?

Jumbo watches over everyone who drives up the valley onto Talbot Street.

The old St. Thomas (Anglican) church, built in 1824 and its cemetery provides an incredible walk through the past.

Not sure why this is called the ‘witches’ grave, perhaps because the stone turned black…

now that the trees are beginning to bloom again, and five minutes of spring has arrived,

I am really looking forward to walking the streets of my hometown,  with my camera in hand.

There are so many beautiful corners here… and they need to be shared.

a quiet place to sit under a wild pear tree.

of course, we can’t forget that St. Thomas is the Railway Capital of Canada

sadly, Jumbo found that out the hard way.. and that’s why his statue stands at the top of the hill!

Leigh xo

lotus and the moon

The wind had whispered for a long time that this day would arrive, though I will admit that I refused to believe that it could happen. It was not that I did not want to believe, but doubt had wound its way through my branches and roots and I could not let the truth drop; not even when it was clearly ripe and ready to. As a result, this morning was a terrible shock.
The day began as any other day had. I stood alone watching the sun rise slowly over the edge of the meadow. Long arms of light stretched and reached over the sleeping blanket of columbine and white marguerite blooms. The doves still nestled together in the crook of one of my branches stirred with the light’s passing. They spoke quietly as they did every morning. Their soft cooing my companion while I breakfasted on dew. The pond was still at my feet. I heard the reeds moving in the early morning breezes, and waited for the sparrows and red-wing blackbirds to wake up and join the conversation. To my surprise, the butterflies spoke first. They spread their iridescent wings in that early morning winds, lifting themselves up out of the leaves and grasses to share the night’s story; the song that had been sung while I slept.
“Did you hear what happened?” one asked as it flew past. I almost missed what he said because the spring breeze flipped him upside down  and it took a thunderous push of the butterfly’s wing to fly upright again.
“Hear what?” I said. Despite the warmth from the sun, I shivered. The rustling startled the doves. Another butterfly arrived, flitting around in front of me.
“She’s left the pond.” It said bluntly; that was the only way butterflies knew how to speak.
“Who’s left the pond?” I asked alarmed. I looked down through the maze of bark and leaves, trying to get a clear view of the pond below.  Before the butterfly could reply I knew. I saw that she was gone. My heart was suddenly heavy.
“Oh.” I said. It was all that I could manage. The lotus that had lived in the pond had gone. I did not know where. I called after the butterflies.
“Where did she go?” I asked, suddenly afraid for her. She was so fragile sitting there. She would talk to me during the day, telling me of her life there in the pond. I was a good listener, she told me once. I was.
“The moon came.” A voice said. I shivered again, sending the doves flying out of the branches to find a quieter place to rest. I realized that a white falcon had joined me. He sat on the high branch with his face to the east, watching.
“The moon?” I asked. Again, I could not contain my surprise. The lotus had cried many tears over the moon. She waited for him to climb down from the silver chair he sat in each night, to sit with her while the stars danced lazily over their heads. Her love for the moon was as wide as the sky, she told me many times, but she could never be with the moon. He could not, for whatever reason, join her, nor could she join him. But today, I find out, the moon came.
“Tell me how this happened.” I asked the falcon. He tilted his head down slightly and stared through me. I waited patiently to hear. Somewhere out across the meadow, I heard the wind whispering again.
“You know the story – the Lotus’ story at least. “ he said. I nodded, barely.  The Moon and the Lotus were lovers from the beginning. They met by accident, when the moon had not slipped into slumber and the sun had risen enough that they both shared the sky together. The first time the moon saw the lotus, he fell in love with her.  He called to the lotus, asking to know her name. The lotus, shy but sweet, spoke with the moon that first day, and every day following. She loved him too from that first moment. Sadly, they could not be together. The moon had to stay in the sky, the lotus in her pond in order to survive. The day after they met, I met Lotus for the first time. She needed a friend, someone to talk to while she waited for the night to arrive again and bring her closer to her dearest love. I sighed.
“Yes, I know this.” I said. Their story was so bittersweet. It always made me sad to hear. What could I or anyone do for them, except listen? They lived in different worlds, so far from each other. They loved each other deeply, and yet could never be together. It was beyond sad.
“They believed in the impossible.” the falcon said, cutting through my thoughts. He spread his wings out and flapped them in the wind as he stretched before sitting down on the branch again. I waited impatiently for him to explain.
“What do you mean?” I asked. The wild grasses danced and bent to the will of the breeze. Even on the pond, the water rippled. I saw for the first time that not even her leaves were left to bow to the wind as it passed.
“I mean, they never gave up hope that they would be together. Last night was the night.” said the falcon.
“How can that be?” I asked. I shook, stunned. Leaves flew everywhere. The sudden motion made the falcon stand up and grip my branch harder.
“Steady” he said.
“But, we spoke yesterday, Lotus and I.” I exclaimed. “She told me nothing of this.” I asked. I felt stupid for saying it out loud. She did not need to tell me. I was her friend. I loved her as the meadow did, the sky did. Love her enough to let her go.
“It was not planned, if you are asking that. The moon was given a gift from the universe. He was given permission to climb down from the sky, to meet her here, at your feet last night. Just for one night, he knelt, bathed in silver light, beside her and asked her to come with him.” He said. I could feel that the sun had risen higher and higher to mark the day as it continued on. In spite of myself, I spread my leaves, drinking the light in. I thought about Lotus. She was the bloom that rose up in spite of everything, through the mud and debris. She deserved that pure love. The chance to be with the moon. The moon loved her, and with the one thing that kept him from her gone… he chose to come for her. Her greatest wish was granted last night while I slept. She was happy and with her true love. The shock of her leaving suddenly dissolved.
I listened to the meadow and the pond that was once her home. The sparrows sang among the wildflowers, the doves cooed in the shade of the cat tail reeds and my long branches. The butterflies danced in the distance, along the horizon where the sun would set soon enough. The falcon spoke once more, echoing my thoughts.
“All is how it is meant to be, dear Tree. She has moved to her new home, but I am certain that she will not forget you friend. “ he said, spreading his wings to catch the next breeze. I watched him rise high into the blue and disappear into the small white clotted clouds. The day continued on. I stood, digging my roots into the deep earth and reaching my branches high into the sky to follow the falcon’s words. All was how it is meant to be, I thought to myself. Just how it is meant to be.
~

marrying the whole girl

I tipped the red coffee mug up towards me and looked in. The last remnants of breakfast lay sprinkled across the table. If I had been a fortune teller, I could have read the crumbs like tea leaves. I drank the last mouthful of coffee and set the mug to the side and leaned forward. I took his hand, holding it tightly. The coffee was ice cold. We had been sitting in silence for what felt like hours. Long enough to spoil a perfectly good cup of fair trade organic coffee. Not that I truly cared. I drank whatever was put in front of me. Poison even, at that very moment.

Neither of us spoke.

The silence was broken only by the rain falling against the window and the clock ticking on the desk. I glared at the clock. I didn’t know why I bought it. It was an oversized version of an old fashion alarm clock. Everything worked. The silver metal bells at the top especially worked well. Flowers in muted tones were splashed across the clock face; crimson, gold, indigo blue. I was sure at the time I first saw it, I thought it was cute and interesting. Now, sitting with Daniel while we both on the verge drowning, the tick tocking seemed a cruel mockery of what we were living through. Or it reminded me how difficult it was to breathe from one second to the next. Either way, I hated the clock and the time it kept.

The clock’s hands strained to reach noon. My stomach protested. We had been sitting for a solid hour, not looking at each other, but touching still. When Daniel spoke, his words fell like stones onto the table, rolling and clunking through my heart. He held my hand still, gripping it tightly as though letting go would mean falling off the table into nothing. I held on too.

“I should go.” He said.

“Ok.” I said. My mouth made the shape to speak but the words were caught like sawdust in my throat. I held onto his hand still.

“I will call you later.” He said. Daniel slipped his hand from under mine and laid it on top. I could feel the heat from his palm penetrate through my skin. Then he was gone.

There was a black scar on the table top. It ran from the center of the table, across to the far side. The wood had been reclaimed from an old farm and converted to fit the legs. I ran my finger nail through to the one end, regretting it as I pulled my hand away. Bits of dirt and dust that had previously been trapped there fell away. I made a face but didn’t look up. I listened for the front door to close and waited until his footsteps had faded on the worn grey steps to the yard before standing again. I took the empty mug to the kitchen and set it in the stainless steel sink. The rain fell harder, blurring the glass in a steady streaming curtain, leaving me paralyzed and unforgiven.

~

Any Ordinary Day

I was thinking earlier today that it is time to start working on a new book. I put together this book in October 2008 – my first foray into putting anything anything into print. I did it for myself, for my daughters as well. It was good work, a fun project to work on and a push for me to do something more with my writing and photography than keep it hidden (which was essentially what I had been doing prior to that). I don’t know what I will create from the scads & scraps but, it will be fun to think about. I have a couple of ideas kicking around in the old brain socket though…

You can still preview the first fifteen pages of Any Ordinary Day here if you like. Creating this book was such a positive boost for me personally. I know that it doesn’t count in the actual publishing world – which is just fine. I didn’t work on this project for that reason. Sometimes, I just need to do things for the sake of doing them – to say yes, I can do this. I think I have another go and unleash my creative self! One of my May projects just decided. Whoooo!

I don’t….

Lying in the woods, the earth is soft against my back. I stare up at the sky now grey with clouds. Tall pines sway with the heavy wind. They are moaning in protest. I can smell the fungus on the log above my head. Tiny green fingers reach from the creased bark, touching the decaying wood, growing through the holes that life has left behind.

I don’t want to die from stubbornness.

I don’t want to die from arrogance.

I don’t want to die from stupidity.

I don’t want to die from anger.

I don’t want to die from drowning.

I don’t want to die from falling.

I don’t want to die from meeting.

I don’t want to die from ending.

I don’t want to die from crashing.

I don’t want to die from burning.

I don’t want to die from crying.

I don’t want to die forgotten.

I don’t want to die from being me.

Light from the afternoon  sun reaches my legs, pulling me down into the loam. Violets bloom through my hair like a purple and white crown. Grapevine slips around my wrists, across my belly and breasts. Pull me through this cycle. Days ending and bring new light, trees bowing low to the earth, merging. One last breath.

I don’t want to die from boredom. Staring endlessly at blank walls, blank pages, blank roads with a blank mind.

I don’t want to die from loneliness.

Cardinals and screech owls call through the shadows. The Canadian Shield hums in time with my heart beat. Mice and red fox move through underbrush in a strange and necessary dance.

I don’t want to die without singing at the top of my lungs.

I don’t want to die without learning to juggle.

I don’t want to die without dancing.

I don’t want to die without flying.

I don’t want to die without saying goodbye.

I don’t want to die without saying I love you.
I don’t want

To die

Without

saying

I love you.

~ Leigh-Anne Fraser

a note: This was written in response to a new assignment set on Diving Deeper. We are often encourage to write about what we don’t want to write about – and this is definitely one of those topics that I don’t want to write about. As it turns out, and is usually the case, it’s a topic that I need to think about, go into, explore a bit, knock about, and see what comes out. Maybe there will be more than this about it – maybe not, I have no idea. I just thought I would share this one for now.

– la