The sky is heavy and darkly grey this morning. Even though the rain is falling outside my window, my heart is full. The twelfth day of Christmas arrived quietly. Together we have shared the morning, each in our own way, in our time. My thoughts are like a many pointed start moving out in different directions – to you, to others, to the world. Filled with love and deep peace myself, this morning I hope that my gift has reached you.

Oh my heart, I would hold you closely for the rest of days, and protect you. I hold you closely but with open fingers, so that you may fly with the wind to where you feel you need to be, in the hope that one day you will return… one day. I cannot take on your pain, your suffering as my own – though I would if it were allowed. Instead, I share some of my soul that flow out like star bits to you, in the hope that it might carry you forward, upward, to where you need and want to be.

On this last day, my gift to you is of healing, and the peace that follows closely. Today, let there be peace. Let there be hope. Let there be love.

L.

XI

Eleven beads sit
On a string around my wrist
Each a prayer for you
~

X

All day today I have been thinking about what I would write to you. What words could I possibly put in this paper for you to read. The paper reminds with each turn of my pen, when my fingers graze its rough face, that there is a distance between us, physical, real that cannot bridged right in this moment. The distance between us otherwise is much less though, and I have only to close my eyes to feel you here with me.

Not even sunshine this afternoon is enough to quiet the search for what to say. It isn’t that there is nothing to say – no lack of sentiment, feelings, wants or desires to let you know that I am here, and thinking to you with every moment. There is much to say – too much perhaps and that is why I find myself falling back into silence.

What ten things would I tell you right now?

1.    I miss you.
2.    The sunshine isn’t as bright without you here.
3.    Your friendship is a treasure to me as is your love
4.    Whether it is under the sun, or moon or clouds I will always look up and feel comforted that we are standing together under the same sky
5.    You make me smile
6.    In the quietest moments of my day, I think to you and I feel less alone
7.    You are a touchstone to my life.
8.    In the most chaotic moments of my day, I think to you and I feel still
9.    Who I am today is because of knowing you.
10.    I love you.

However our paths wind and turn through our lives – I am blessed that your path has crossed mine. I cannot imagine you not being part of my life – it would be like the stars never knowing the moon, or the trees never knowing the wind, or the sand never knowing the sun. Thank you for all that you have given me.

L.

IX

In a cube there are nine planes of symmetry. Two sets of planes meet each other within the folds and turns to form the box that we put ourselves in. Break the box, I am hearing today. Break the line, move to the opposite side and break through again and again.

I dreamed again last night about the door.

A voice asked me if I was the door. I replied, “Am I the door? Yes I am the door.” Over and over I repeated in the dream “I am the door”. I woke up with those words in my head.

I am the door.

Walk through.

On the ninth day, my gift to you is a little red box that contains everything that I am, everything that I have been, everything that I will be. Today I am letting go of this box – what I have guarded carefully all these years. Breaking free of the box, anything is possible. Instead of a box, I am the door. A screen door in summertime. An open door to any room in my house. A door that leads inside and outside. A door that leads everywhere.

I am the door.

Walk through.

And again.
L.

VIII

Eight points of light dance across my desk as the sun shines this morning. The light spills over me as I am writing. Light refracted through the crystal hanging against the glass – today I feel small like these eight pinpoints of light and colour. I am moving with them, dancing and turning slowly as the sun passes through the sky. I realized just now, that it is in the sunshine that I talk with you most. I send words and thoughts along the rays of light, with the hope that somehow they will reach you and be heard.

My only gift to you today would be those rays of light, so that you could hear that I miss you.

L.

Swimming
in the moment
Rise to the surface
Fall back down
Held by sand and muddy shore
Water moves out to touch
Others returning
We are moving
Like a breath
With each ripple
~

L.

Out of the silence
A gift of a seed
Placed in the palm of your hand

In the center
Already knowing
Waiting to grow
Waiting to live
Waiting to love

Out of the silence
We emerge
We merge
We me
We
~
L.

V

Silence
Like a liquid chrysalis
Slips around you and I
Embraced
We are held
As one
~

My gift to you on the fifth day is silence. 

IV

Last night I dreamed that I was standing in a doorway. There was nothing before me and nothing behind me. It wasn’t a big door way, just big enough for me, with a wide wooden frame. I felt nothing, standing there surrounded by black and wood. No fear, no push to move forward or backward, I was simply waiting. I realize now after waking that I cannot say I felt nothing – because I did feel something. I felt still. I felt like I was waiting. The nothing that happened in the dream was stillness. I woke up with that same feeling, like a quiet pond of water, stilled and undisturbed by a breeze or fish swimming just below the surface to cause small waves to ripple outward.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt undisturbed, settled like a stone in the ground and yet unconfined by anything, no worry, no fear, no pull anywhere. How can I not smile and feel happy about this? I do. It isn’t the kind of happy that is joyous and raucous that fills me to the point of bursting, but a quiet joy that is like a gentle embrace, safe, warm and loving. I am here.

It is the pause between breaths, between waves, between this moment and the next that carries with it knowing without knowing. There is something deeply beautiful about finding myself here – something that goes beyond words.

What could I give you today? I would share this pause with you, slip my hand into yours and hold you still, so that we can be here together.

with love
L

III

On the third day, I asked what I should tell you. I lifted the question up for the universe and the answer came clearly and loudly in my ears. Letting go. This is not easy for me to do, to let go and allow – allow what must happen to happen, what needs to happen, and not let fears creep in. Old fears, new ones, any fears to tip toe their way into my heart and take up residence with the cobwebs and dust. They sit amongst the brighter places where the sun has broken through the cracks and sprawled out like cats, sleeping happily. I bring them all in and instead of letting go, make more and more room there for everything that arrives. There is a tower of discarded thoughts and memories in the corner, leaning precariously against the wall and to me, when I look at it, is ready to slip out from the middle at any moment to send the entire thing crashing down once again. The question rises up too if it happens, will I choose to rebuild that tower again? Will I take the time to sweep it all out and throw open the windows and let the shadows stretch and dance with the light? Perhaps.

It’s normal to hear these days, someone telling us to let go. We must let go is the constant message, let go of this and that, let go of anger, let go of fear, let go of worry, let go of concern, let go of ideas and old conditions… you, we must let go. That would not be my gift today for you – to tell you to let go. I cannot let go myself, so how can I tell you to let go? No, it is like the wind through my fingers, difficult to grasp. It is like holding poetry or the flying of a butterfly, I cannot do it – cannot let go… of that, or of you. Ah, for some reason now after having written those words to you, I am laughing – where does this cannot come from?? It is as though I am suddenly a three year old child, standing in the middle of the living room of my home, blond pig tails flapping while I stomp my foot. NO. I say, NO I CANNOT! And then the sigh comes that relaxes everything, and I find instead I am chasing the breath, my breath, instead of the words cannot and no. This is good.

My gift today is not to let go, but simply this – breathe.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

And it all falls away.

There is nothing to do except breathe.

L.

II

Illusion is not the gift that I would give to you today, on the second day of Christmas. Today I am reminded at every turn about duality.  The separation from the source, the longing and loneliness that comes from feeling separated, isolated and lost in the illusion. Instead, my gift for you today would be clarity.

Tonight I stood outside in the cold, watching the sky. I could hear the river flowing around me, and the tall pine trees moving in the wind. I turned my face towards the sky and watched the stars. I watched them knowing that they were brighter because I was alone in the darkness, away from the bustle of the city and artificial light. The stars clustered together and danced and were brighter still because I knew that you were standing under the same sky with me. I suddenly felt as though I had reached out to hold your hand, and you were there to hold mine.

Tonight while we stood holding hands under the stars and empty sky, I thought of the gift of clarity. This gift, today, is for seeing yourself as the truly beautiful person that you are.

L.